BEST.CONVERSATION.EVER.

BEST.CONVERSATION.EVER:
On my abstinence policy with @KaceyofSweden15.

Me:
My rule was 'no sex outside of love'. A month ago, the morning after a drunken make-out with Brian I changed it.
Kacey:
*waiting*
Me:
Now my abstinence policy is 'no sex outside of love, and only after he says "I love you" at least twice*' Also *he has to say "I love you" first. I refuse to say I love you first. Even if I know I love him before he says it, HE has to say "I love you" first.
Kacey:
 So you are saying if Rob Pattinson walks up to you tomorrow and says "I love you" twice, you would have sex with him.
Me:
No. Because he would have to mean it. I am NOT going to rape Rob Pattinson.
*pause*
No. What!? I take that back!
I would totally rape Rob Pattinson!

Aftermath.

I am feeling better. Kinda.

I can sleep through the night. Mostly.

Most who know me know my love for the musical, Spring Awakening.

The ironic part is that the sexual assult occured the night before I saw Spring Awakening for the first time. And although I had listened to the original Broadway cast recording (aka soundtrack), seeing the Dark I Know Well performed live was... well I don't know the words to describe it.

Lyrics | The Dark I Know Well lyrics

The lyircs "I dont scream, though I know is wrong | I just play along | I lie there and breathe | Lie there and breathe | I wanna be strong | I want the world to find out" are exactly how I felt that night.

It is already 10 days later.

I saw Spring Awakening 3 times while it was in Denver.

Every time, the show shook me emotionally.

But at the same time it gave me strength.

After a talking out what happened with a manager at work.

And keeping my drinking promise.

And taking it one day at a time.

I am feeling better.

But I will say one thing, escapism therapy does help.

Hopefully I'll be able gather the courage to tell Doug how I feel soon.

I really trust him.

I want to tell him.

I want his strength in my life.

Who knows. Well I know He knows.

Someday I may too,

Sexual Assult Kinda Takes the Thrill Out of Dating. And Blogging.

I know I haven't updated in a few weeks.

I started to write an update about Grant... then the browser got funky >.<

and none of it got saved...

Anyways.

But amongst all the the amazing parts of this weekend... a not so fun thing happened.

I was taken advantage of.

I debated putting this up but I will be using absolutely no names.

I drove an hour and a half south of my hick town to celebrate the 21st of someone very close to me. There was a couple amongst the attendants of the semi-bar crawl. The boyfriend seemed nice enough throughout the night. All the way through the few bars (including the amazing gay bar) we went to, I refrained from drinking until the gay bar. There I ran into a friend of 3 years that I hadn't seen in over a year due to life. I drank many stiff drinks in a very short amount of time and was somewhat drunk as the bar closed. Every one went their separate ways until the final carload, including the couple, the 21st birthday friend, the self-absorbed random friend and me.

After about an hour of waiting in the cold and thanking God that we all had enough drinks to be REALLY cold and not fearing hypothermia, we were picked up by the birthday friends' boyfriend. Shortly after we dropped off the self-absorbed friend off at her car, leaving the safer number of 3 in the backseat instead of 4. It was me, the boyfriend, and the really sweet girlfriend.

Through out the entire drive through the fresh falling snow on the way out of the city centre and back out towards the outer smaller cities... the boyfriend (not my friend's - he was driving) turned creeper started to rub my leg above the knee. Being more than tipsy still and with is girlfriend (who is super sweet) on his other side, I dismissed this as a drunky-pants thing. I stiffened up and put my elbow into his side...

Unfortunately he did not take my subtle NO into his thick scull and continued to move up to my side. (Its going to get really hard to type this. ugh. I hate this.) Eventually he moved under my shirt despite my trying to wiggle as far away from him in the back seat...

Some reading this might get to this point and wonder why I didn't stop him, but I was so shocked and scared... Also, I tried so hard to clamp my arms to my side to block him out but I was wearing a think down winter coat and it just wasn't happening with my pathetic excuse for upper body strength.

I never would have thought I'd feel so helpless. Me. So comfortable in my skin and sexuality...

I felt so alone. So trapped. I may have been surrounded by people but he was such a bastard about it. For example, my 21st b'day friend kept turning around in her seat to face us and he would freeze and press into whatever side his paws were... And he got away with it because our huge winter coats hid his inappropriateness from sight.

We finally pulled into a fast food place that had a well light drive-thru and he quickly pulled his hand out of my bra. Unfortunately, the drunken munchies weren't enough to distract the bastard from me. It only stopped when we pulled front of the final destination and he pulled his girlfriend into his grubby hands.

My stomach churns just thinking about it.

SO the reason(s) I decided to post about this is because I needed to get it out and into the open, I feel less than sexy at the moment, don't want to be around anything sexual and to show that this BULLSHIT can happen to anyone.

I still cannot believe it happened to me and can hardly understand the why. Why would someone be like that? Treat me like that? Why did I have to drink enough to make me a target? Would he have tried it anyways? IF I was more sober could I have stopped it?

I won't ever be able to answer these questions.

I can only go on with the show.

I won't be drinking anywhere but my own home anymore and only with close friend I know I can trust.

I WILL NOT be blogging here until I figure out how to find some peace.

TRUST I have been talking with God about it and stepping away from the dating scene is my current answer...

I will be blogging on my normal blog, but for now, not here.

Without the urge to date and pursue... and with only ugliness haunting anything the is usually full of good... well, i'd rather not blog publicly about it.

Take CARE, reader!

Thank you for being there for me and hopefully, I'll be better or something ASAP,

Cute Moments with Grant [18 Nov 09]

That is a good opening to a blog, I think. Specially since, if Grant Doug hadn't been there, work would have pretty much sucked.

[I got the shaft 3 times today.] First off, I was scheduled yet again to work at 11am when that is also right as my class lets out... The opening manager knew this from the corrected schedule yet he did barely anything to help me get the concession stand open, then got agitated with me when we had to open a little late. Also he proceeded to tell me that two other employees (who are not managers) watched New Moon last night. Um, okay... Good for them but I am the biggest fan at work and the reason that 88% of our staff is now hooked on the movies and or books. Yes, I am that person at work. How am I supposed to react, huh? Thanks? And then later (much later, as in after I got off work) I got a text from another manager saying that I could not come in tonight to screen New Moon because our general manager said no.

And well since I did not get to see New Moon 24hrs early like last year with Twilight, I am here writing this blog... and that's ok, I guess. I prepared months ago to not get special treatment...

aaaaaanyways....

Doug truly was the reason I got through work in a good mood today.

It might sound crazy (or prude) that I got excited enough to Tweet about getting a hug from him, but as you might remember that some of the Catholic boys I know do dating fasts and I still don't know where Doug stands on this.

After a little Facebook stalking I found out a little more about this Catholic Cockblockers Club... (heh, it make be harsh but I thought is was funny) Well, they have a private Facebook group called E5 Men and it is listed on Doug's profile...

This is the groups public description: (take from it what you want)

As Men we are called to do more than idly sit back and watch the world around us crumble into darkness. We are called to warriors of the Light, filling ourselves with the light of Christ so that we may be given the strength to fight the evils of this world. This group is for those men who have heard the call and stand ready to do battle. E5 stands for Ephesians chapter 5, where God lays out what it truly means to be a man. Its challenging, its uncomfortable but most importantly its holy. So read E5 and submit yourselves to God's will to become men of God!

This group is the reason that I thought it was a big deal that I got a real hug from Doug after Ryan told be on Bear Awakening that as part of the the E5 process/path is to cut down on hugging female friends because it should be considered an intimate act saved for only girlfriends...


So with this in mind...

Before we officially opened our doors, Doug came downstairs with a pout on his face. He was upset that not only did he have to run the projectors in the booth but the boss' wanted him to build 2 prints of New Moon and 2 prints of The Blind Side during his shift. I think he was extra nervous to screw up since New Moon is on such a tight time crunch...

Well I took this as an opportunity to wish him luck and there is the cheesy act I performed and said:

"Well good luck today... This hug is for you." I followed those words up with crossing my arms over my chest hand 'blew' him a hug. That is when he came over to hug me... and still I made sure to give him a side hug and stick my boobs off in the other direction so they didn't touch him (which with my rack is no easy feat) but I think I was successful.

*Insert Swoon Here* I am a psycho.

He was upstairs for a while, starting movies and I wrote off seeing for the rest of the day since he has so much on his plate.

As the slow morning progressed, Dustin and I settled into a nice rhythm of selling the tickets and concessions to the few people who showed up at opening. Soon we were just plain dead and I sat on top of our ticket bucket with my back to the front doors and started to check my txts and Tweets, which of course having our phones is against policy... And here I am, on one hand trying to be a good lil employee so I can sneak preview New Moon but then also feeding my Twitter addiction.

I was all sorts of engrossed into whatever I was texting (probably a text to the friend who has offered to help me with my truck) when suddenly Dustin said something to someone that was standing behind me. I looked up to see if he was talking to me and turned my head and BAM there was a body right there in my peripheral vision.

By the time I realized it was just Doug, it was too late and I had already practically jumped out of my skin and made some sort of awkward gasping sound, immediately followed up by laughter.

Since I live my entire life in embarrassment, I loved this moment since it lightened the mood and broke the silence. The three of us started to talk movies and eventually ended up in a great discussion about rated R movies vs the Church! Why was it great? Well, grounded Grant thinks that the "grades" that the Church puts on movies is dumb and something to ignore. (YES!!!) It got a little touchy when he used the example that according to the linked website, The Hangover (a work favorite) was actually more morally offensive than Brokeback Mountain, which ovbi is pro-gay and the Church is not. My counter-argument was that whoever was responsible for rating Brokeback Mountain decided that just this once being anti-hate crimes was more important than being anti-gay.

This is one huge reason that I pine over Doug... The fact that we can have such opposing views, yet he completely respects what I have to say and my point of view (as I do with him). I want him for his amazing moral compass but also because he doesn't let people brainwash him into what he believes in.

In order to keep the conversation headed in a light direction (and a direction easier to flirt with) I noted Doug's face scruff and asked if he was doing "No Shave November."

Turns out he is partaking in NSN and this opened up the opportunity to slip in some of my relationship views... I felt sly because I was talking to Dustin about his personal preferred face-scaping and he brought up the fact that the girl he is currently most interested in really, really prefers a completely clean shaven face.

I was lovin this conversation, because in front of Doug I told Dustin: "Any girl worth dating is going to let you wear your facial hair the way you like it; she'll just strongly request that you keep it well kept and orderly." 

The hardest part of the beard convo was the fact this it brings attention to ones face... and all I could think about were Doug's lips. Beard'n'all. heh.

Personally, I do not like facial hair but if it is kept short, soft and even or styled then I don't mind.

But I'll let James Marsters explain kissing and facial hair: (you can skip ahead to 4:30 for my agreement, or 3:40 for just enough background for you to know what the panel question was)

 The only thing left to say about Doug from today is that I didn't see him again and when I was sent home early from work I text-ed him "Bye bye *smile*" with no reply.

Also, Dustin officially knows about my crushing on Doug since the day Doug was hired. It is nice to have a male at work who I trust not to throw me under the bus... I asked Dustin if I sounded silly or was too obvious and according to him, I am all good. heh.

Until next time,

The Trio Style Update.

The following 3 sections are pieces of my so-called 'love' life:

The New Boy [Saturday]

Tweet from 2 hours later:
Heath age update- 22!

Tweet from 40 mins after from:
Other random Heath info- lives off 47th,
possible smoker =/ , has tounge ring ;o),
also still in university =D

That is all I know… We were supposed to have a meeting at work at 8:30am Sunday but it was canceled due to the small blizzard we had. Which was good for my beauty sleep… but I haven’t seen Heath Mitch since.

My Amazing Friend! [Sunday]
I have an amazing guy friend from a previous job. Let’s call him Sterling (aka Thomas)  . I have an on-off crush on him.
This conversation from Facebook chat is actually an amazing update on my life…
This starts off after he said that he has been going dancing at my favorite country bar back home & I told him we are going together when I come home for Thanksgiving =]
FYI, this conversation happened Sunday/Monday in the early, early am, please keep that in mind, haha.

Kat [1:10am] be prepared to dance your ass off
Sterling [1:10am] haha, you gotta teach me to dance better
Kat [1:10am] story of my life
Sterling [1:10am] lol, i can a little bit
Kat [1:10am] srsly! i want to find a boyfriend who is powerful on the dance floor =/
someone who can put me into place
Sterling [1:11am] lol, i’m sorry
Kat [1:11am] i am already a stubborn lead... and always teaching people doesn't help that habit
on the other hand id rather teach my friends and dance than not at all
Sterling [1:12am] i can dance a little though
Kat [1:12am] =] haha its ok, im just bitching about the last 5 yrs a lil
Sterling [1:12am] ah i see, lol, Annie wouldn't really dance with me
Kat [1:12am] like how i worked with Sullivan C [who is my ex] for a good 3 years and he isnt as great as he thinks he is haha, plus Alice T worked with him too!
Sterling [1:13am] lol, i think i saw her last weekend
Kat [1:13am] im sure you did =] if it was a Sunday then prob
[we talked about Alice and then back to his ex and dancing]
Sterling [1:18am] yeah, Annie only danced with me once, then she wouldn't dance with anyone else, it was super awkward at that point
Kat [1:19am] heh sorry, i barely leave the dance floor lol
Sterling [1:20am] haha, it was all good, i wasn't drinking either, which made everything not as fun, lol
Kat [1:22am] meh lol
Sterling [1:22am] haha i was mostly kidding
Kat [1:22am] k well i heart you and love talking but i gotta focus and attempt sleep tonight basically a HUGE week a head
Sterling [1:22am] hahaha kk, sleep well
Kat [1:23am] ha! that could be a few hrs off and looks like a 7am morning for me >.<
Sterling [1:23am] oh fun fun
Kat [1:23am] Nite
[And then I am leaving in this part of the conversation just cause it is a bit more about my personality and life and I find it funny. So. Yeah…]
Sterling [4:03am] weren't you going to bed like 3 hours ago?
Kat [4:05am] no i was getting off chat so i could focus on what i needed to get done
Sterling [4:06am] oh i see, haha, i can't sleep
Kat [4:06am] im sorry =( lol welcome to my life!
Sterling [4:09am] haha, mine too, i even took medicine that made me sleep for like 20 hours the last time and i still can't sleep, lol
Kat [4:09am] ewww, i have acid reflux at the moment... and I’m tired and hungry...
Sterling [4:13am] lol well then eat something that doesn't have acid, haha
Kat [4:15am] but i eat and i get energized.... and won't sleep at all tonight
Sterling [4:17am] hmmm, sounds like a catch 22, just smoke some weed, haha jk
[fyi, he doesn’t actually smoke weed. that I know of]
Kat [4:18am] um again... i do have a hookah which could make me sleepyish but not good with acid reflux or hunger
Sterling [4:19am] True, lol, slam your head into the wall really hard?
Kat [4:20am] no thx
Sterling [4:20am] hmmm i'm really running out of ideas here
Kat [4:20am] yep, im going to actually get off facebook here soon.. haha that might help
Sterling [4:22am] lol ok, usually does. i watched Flatliners, that movie is a fuckin trip
Kat [4:23am] mmmm =/ never heard of it, not sure i wanna ...in other nerdy whining, i wish i knew more borderline psycho nerdy obsessed passionate people like myself.... i think i just said that i want to be friends with myself, lol im not sure
Sterling [4:25am] yeah, pretty much
its got julia roberts, keifer sutherland, oliver platt, kevin bacon, and Billy baldwin and they are med students who keep killing themselves and bringing themselves back to experiance like the ultimate journey i guess
Kat [4:26am] but srsly i love being called passionate and i laugh when i call myself or some1 else calls me nerdy... but most of the real world doesn't get my e-nerdyness
Sterling [4:26am] lol i get it, haha, you may be more passionate than me, but i think i can beat you in nerdyness
Kat [4:26am] like vlogging/youtube and twitter addiction... even the blogging community
Sterling [4:27am] haha, true true
Kat [4:27am] like i said my e-nerdyness, you kick my ass in nerdynerdy lol
Sterling [4:27am] good? i think haha
Kat [4:28am] hahaha yesh... if i was more nerdynerdy id be better or successful haha
Sterling [4:29am] haha i see... or at least i think i do
Kat [4:30am] k 430 is FAR too late =(
Sterling [4:20am] lol i agree
Kat [4:20am] im going to turn away from the comp *gasp*
Sterling [4:20am] no not that! Haha

Being Unromantic with Doug’s Roommate [Today]

I am kinda happy that I have been too busy to post an update since this happened today:

So today I was walking across my university campus today to go talk to an academic advisory meeting (turns out graduation will be next semester after all) and on the way I had a run in with one of Grant’s [Doug*] roommates. Let’s call him Simon [Lucas*]
Now what made this run in worth mentioning in my blog was my romantic fantasy, I had as I was standing there. Before we saw or spoke to each other, we were standing across the street from each other, waiting for the light, music buds in our ears, and texting. (Well I was Tweeting, but still)
Now here is the romantic fantasy.
Girl walks up to crosswalk, head down, texting and listening to music.
Boy walks up to opposite side of street, down, texting and listening to music.
Both feel the urge to look up. Both look up at the same time.
Their eyes meet. They smile.
So, that was the fantasy that played in my head. And in my head the guy across the street from me was Grant. It was pure irony that the person actually standing there was his roommate.
[FYI, when I first met Simon I ‘crushed.’ That is NOT the case now.]

I wish my life was juicier. Hopefully someday soon.

*I have gone un-anon since this post was written

So I am not Catholic but...

..I'm thinking about doing a "dating fast".

Never heard of a dating fast? I hadn't either until I went on a college Christian's weekend retreat that is put on by the Catholic Campus Ministry. The weekend is called Bear Awakening and since this was my second time on it I was a staffer... But that is beside the point.

The second night after we had already been awake over 12hrs running a weekend of fun, prayer and lots of awesome... I was being my insomniac self around some of my Catholic friends and the conversation steered towards relationships, dating and how a certain group of the Catholic boys were preparing themselves in a sense to be better men...

The part that, I guess, applied to me is that some of them do a six month "dating fast" once they find a girl they are attracted to past "she's hot" or sometimes in order to find someone... It's hard to explain but basically what I understand of it, since we are all brothers and sisters in God, they spend six months re-wiring their brains to not seeing any female as anything other than a sister. And of course they spend six months in prayer with God.

The prayer part I get, I do. But convincing yourself that all of those that you are attracted to are not? Like, when you fall in love and there are only two types of people in the world, them and everyone else, but before you fall in love?

Ryan and Corrine* basically said I don't get it because I haven't let my heart completely open to God's love. Because the highest lover I have is God. ... Which, no offense, but I chose not to take literally...

My other friend, Nataleigh, said it a little bit better... That I haven't while God might be in my heart but I haven't let him heal it from my past.

So...

The two ways that this dating fast applies to me: Doug as well as myself.

Doug is a boy I have been interested in for quite some time... He is one of the Catholic boys but even though we work at the same place and share many acquaintances, I still don't know him more than a couple stories past his Facebook page. He is definitely one the side of the less judgmental but on the other hand I don't know how he really interprets his Faith. Is he the kind who won't date a girl without a six month fast? Or like the movie, is he just not that into me? And also why? Is he not into me in general? Or is he too Catholic to let himself date non-Catholic?

Ack. I feel like I keep coming off as a religion-hater. I really am not. I have a lot of friends who are Catholic (hence going on the retreat and such) but it is not the denomination for me. I also read a lot of Mormon blogs and have made e-friends through them, but again, LDS, just isn't for me. Personally, I love my relationship with God, I love my friends, I love the individual, I just have a hard time trusting the institution...if that makes sense.

It was in either The Boob Nazi's blog or in Carrie's* blog (or even both), that kind of discussed how its not worrying about each and every sin, but about the choices you make. As one of my friends said, "For you, Kat, WWJD is like you asking 'What would GrandmaGrandma think?'" GrandmaGrandma is one of my best friends and also as you probably guessed, my grandmother... So she knows the good, bad and the ugly about me, yet loves me unconditionally... Like God does.

So my relationship with God is just that. I ask when I think I need help, I pray with Him for my friends, and I know His love follows me wherever I go...

But maybe Nataleigh is right. I am just not letting God heal away the scars of relationships past... ???

Gah. Dating is so frustrating. Specially when you haven't had one in a while.

So what should I do? Fast (but in my own way)? or Forget it?

*This name has been changed!

I would rather blogg...

..about my borderline dating desperation, than go out and do something stupid.

I really don't have much of a love life so to speak, every once it a while I feel the need to get something off my chest, hence this blog. I wanted somewhere I could somewhat anonymously whine, pine, swoon and become smitten without risk...

For example, If I am feeling lonely and desperate - I'll blogg and not randomly hook up. If I meet someone that makes my heart go pitterpat, I'll blogg and not over do it with him. If I get swept down memory lane, I'll blogg and spare the expense of ears who have heard it already.

This might end up funny. This might end up romantic. Or this might end up dull or depressing.

I really don't know where life will take me... but I guess that is the point sometimes.

xoxo K