BEST.CONVERSATION.EVER.

BEST.CONVERSATION.EVER:
On my abstinence policy with @KaceyofSweden15.

Me:
My rule was 'no sex outside of love'. A month ago, the morning after a drunken make-out with Brian I changed it.
Kacey:
*waiting*
Me:
Now my abstinence policy is 'no sex outside of love, and only after he says "I love you" at least twice*' Also *he has to say "I love you" first. I refuse to say I love you first. Even if I know I love him before he says it, HE has to say "I love you" first.
Kacey:
 So you are saying if Rob Pattinson walks up to you tomorrow and says "I love you" twice, you would have sex with him.
Me:
No. Because he would have to mean it. I am NOT going to rape Rob Pattinson.
*pause*
No. What!? I take that back!
I would totally rape Rob Pattinson!

Aftermath.

I am feeling better. Kinda.

I can sleep through the night. Mostly.

Most who know me know my love for the musical, Spring Awakening.

The ironic part is that the sexual assult occured the night before I saw Spring Awakening for the first time. And although I had listened to the original Broadway cast recording (aka soundtrack), seeing the Dark I Know Well performed live was... well I don't know the words to describe it.

Lyrics | The Dark I Know Well lyrics

The lyircs "I dont scream, though I know is wrong | I just play along | I lie there and breathe | Lie there and breathe | I wanna be strong | I want the world to find out" are exactly how I felt that night.

It is already 10 days later.

I saw Spring Awakening 3 times while it was in Denver.

Every time, the show shook me emotionally.

But at the same time it gave me strength.

After a talking out what happened with a manager at work.

And keeping my drinking promise.

And taking it one day at a time.

I am feeling better.

But I will say one thing, escapism therapy does help.

Hopefully I'll be able gather the courage to tell Doug how I feel soon.

I really trust him.

I want to tell him.

I want his strength in my life.

Who knows. Well I know He knows.

Someday I may too,

Sexual Assult Kinda Takes the Thrill Out of Dating. And Blogging.

I know I haven't updated in a few weeks.

I started to write an update about Grant... then the browser got funky >.<

and none of it got saved...

Anyways.

But amongst all the the amazing parts of this weekend... a not so fun thing happened.

I was taken advantage of.

I debated putting this up but I will be using absolutely no names.

I drove an hour and a half south of my hick town to celebrate the 21st of someone very close to me. There was a couple amongst the attendants of the semi-bar crawl. The boyfriend seemed nice enough throughout the night. All the way through the few bars (including the amazing gay bar) we went to, I refrained from drinking until the gay bar. There I ran into a friend of 3 years that I hadn't seen in over a year due to life. I drank many stiff drinks in a very short amount of time and was somewhat drunk as the bar closed. Every one went their separate ways until the final carload, including the couple, the 21st birthday friend, the self-absorbed random friend and me.

After about an hour of waiting in the cold and thanking God that we all had enough drinks to be REALLY cold and not fearing hypothermia, we were picked up by the birthday friends' boyfriend. Shortly after we dropped off the self-absorbed friend off at her car, leaving the safer number of 3 in the backseat instead of 4. It was me, the boyfriend, and the really sweet girlfriend.

Through out the entire drive through the fresh falling snow on the way out of the city centre and back out towards the outer smaller cities... the boyfriend (not my friend's - he was driving) turned creeper started to rub my leg above the knee. Being more than tipsy still and with is girlfriend (who is super sweet) on his other side, I dismissed this as a drunky-pants thing. I stiffened up and put my elbow into his side...

Unfortunately he did not take my subtle NO into his thick scull and continued to move up to my side. (Its going to get really hard to type this. ugh. I hate this.) Eventually he moved under my shirt despite my trying to wiggle as far away from him in the back seat...

Some reading this might get to this point and wonder why I didn't stop him, but I was so shocked and scared... Also, I tried so hard to clamp my arms to my side to block him out but I was wearing a think down winter coat and it just wasn't happening with my pathetic excuse for upper body strength.

I never would have thought I'd feel so helpless. Me. So comfortable in my skin and sexuality...

I felt so alone. So trapped. I may have been surrounded by people but he was such a bastard about it. For example, my 21st b'day friend kept turning around in her seat to face us and he would freeze and press into whatever side his paws were... And he got away with it because our huge winter coats hid his inappropriateness from sight.

We finally pulled into a fast food place that had a well light drive-thru and he quickly pulled his hand out of my bra. Unfortunately, the drunken munchies weren't enough to distract the bastard from me. It only stopped when we pulled front of the final destination and he pulled his girlfriend into his grubby hands.

My stomach churns just thinking about it.

SO the reason(s) I decided to post about this is because I needed to get it out and into the open, I feel less than sexy at the moment, don't want to be around anything sexual and to show that this BULLSHIT can happen to anyone.

I still cannot believe it happened to me and can hardly understand the why. Why would someone be like that? Treat me like that? Why did I have to drink enough to make me a target? Would he have tried it anyways? IF I was more sober could I have stopped it?

I won't ever be able to answer these questions.

I can only go on with the show.

I won't be drinking anywhere but my own home anymore and only with close friend I know I can trust.

I WILL NOT be blogging here until I figure out how to find some peace.

TRUST I have been talking with God about it and stepping away from the dating scene is my current answer...

I will be blogging on my normal blog, but for now, not here.

Without the urge to date and pursue... and with only ugliness haunting anything the is usually full of good... well, i'd rather not blog publicly about it.

Take CARE, reader!

Thank you for being there for me and hopefully, I'll be better or something ASAP,